• Danyol Jaye

You're My BEST Friend!!! Until I Get A Boo...Then Your Dust!


Due to the nature of this post the names and genders of those involved will be protected...

I have a friend who I’ve known for quite some time and I have reason to believe they recently began dating someone. Now for all intents and purposes I have to say that dating is a wonderful thing if you can find someone worth dating lol. However in this particular case it turns out…not so great! Why you ask? Because in this case my friends dating situation has disrupted our friendship.

I have always been very supportive of my friends in any dating situation but I’m always going to put our friendship at the top of the priority list and give them the honest-to-God truth. For example: if you’re dating a lunatic, I’m prone to let you know! If your new boo is exhibiting behavior that is detrimental to you? I’m prone to let you know! Likewise any boo I bring around will know WELL in advance that a few dates or even a few months with them doesn’t mean that my YEAR/s long friendships will take a backseat to them. A boo is great to have but they must EARN their way onto the priority list of my life. Unfortunately I expected my friend to feel the same. Obviously they didn’t.

And just in case you’re that type of jealous friend that can’t see another friend happy because you’re miserable and single and you feel like your friend’s time should be ALL about you….Please don’t think that this post is advocating for your psychosis cause it’s NOT! I’m speaking from a level ground of mutual respect and solid, HEALTHY friendships! Now let's carry on...

My friend (whom I’ll call COFFEE) and I have been friends for a little over 2 years. Coffee and I met through the wonderful means of the internet. We talked, we vibed and thought this long distance pen-palship would be something worth keeping. Like any pair of friends we started to discuss our lives and become to one another what friends should become: caring, compassionate, open and vulnerable, concerned, and most importantly connected. Our communication skills were up to par and therefore we communicated with one another through Facebook, text message and telephone; talking to one another (at very least) 1-2 times a week to check in, catch up, and share a few laughs. Earlier this year I called Coffee and Coffee didn’t hit me back. No big deal, Coffee was probably just busy right? Well I continued to send texts, make phone calls, and send Facebook messages ALL to no avail. Until one day I looked up and realized that Coffee hadn’t reached out or reached back to me in over 2 months! I was floored yet still hanging onto this two-year-long friendship that we had incurred; praying that Coffee truly had been “busy”. Then out of the blue I see a message in my inbox on Facebook and I see Coffee’s name. I think to myself, “YAY! Finally Coffee hits me back!” I open the message and here is what I read:

“Hey, you know I love you but can you chill on tagging me in your posts? MY page is beginning to be your page. SMDH.”

**Blink, Blink**

**Blank stare at my screen**

I didn’t know what to do at that moment. As a friend I immediately wanted to say, “Ok no prob.” Then I realized that this was the FIRST message Coffee had sent me in over TWO MONTHS! At that point (as a human being) I was completely and utterly pissed at the very fact that after 2 months you have the NERVE to send me a message like that? The only LOGICAL explanation (to me) for being blown off for over two months and getting such a message now was that Coffee had found a new boo and was probably getting some really good bed action!

One of the things I pride myself on in any relationship is consistency. I do my very best to remain consistent in how I respond, what I expect and who I am. I’m human so of course I’m not perfect at it but if I had to give it a percentage I’d say I’m about 93% consistent in any type of “SHIP” I have: Relationship, Companionship, Friendship, Pen-Palship, etc. So I went and took a quick evaluation and discovered that I had not tagged Coffee any more or any less than I had any other time, so why the issue now?

As I FULLY recognize that all I had come up with at that point and even what goes through my head now as I type is nothing more than conjecture. Nothing proven, nothing Coffee has confirmed, yet ALL I am able to judge and speculate is what I know of COFFEE and of course the friendship that we have built. How could I not feel that Coffee was probably dating someone who saw something I posted (or saw ME) and became insecure and childish? Is it so farfetched that Coffee quite possibly was dating someone who was intimidated by me and my closeness to Coffee? Aside from the fact that Coffee lives over 2000 miles away and that we have already discussed that nothing could EVER happen between us (distance being a MAJOR issue) I felt justified in knowing that what I was about to say was NOT unwarranted. So I responded and said:

"I'm just gonna be honest. I don't know what changed but apparently something has. I haven't talked to you in over 2 months, most of my communications to you have been ignored and now you hit me up about tagging you in posts? That feels a little out of pocket given our friendship and the on-goings thereof. Unfortunately the only other time you have been this way in the past was due to you dating someone. So I can only accuse you of quite possibly being in another dating situation and my tags and presence on your page makes whomever it is uncomfortable. If I'm way off then I apologize in advance but I don't think I am. I told you the last time you exhibited this behavior that friendships shouldn't drastically change like this. You can't play a game one way and in the middle decide to change the rules. I know you're probably trying to be respectful with whomever it is that you're dating, if in fact you are, but to hit me up about something that for 2 years hasn't been nearly an issue between us is kind of whack. As always I respect you and care for you as a friend so I'll appease your request. However if being a friend makes this other person that uncomfortable I think it best I just unfriend you on Facebook altogether. You still have my number so please use it as you see fit. But I can't help but say I feel some kind of way about this. Mostly hurt cause you're a friend, a little upset because you're a friend, and somewhat disrespected and blown off because we're supposed to be FRIENDS lol, we're not having sex, we're not dating, none of that. So IDK, your recent actions or lack thereof seem a bit out of pocket. But either way it's not my place to tell you how to run your "Facebook page". I love you and hope that whomever or whatever it is that has changed our friendship works for the best.”

A little longwinded huh? SO! I didn’t care at that point! Was I mad? Absolutely! Was I right? I think so! Anyway, my point had been made and I pressed send, went to Coffee’s page and clicked UNFRIEND, with a heavy heart of course, but there was nothing more that I could do. I wasn’t going to just bow down to the foolery. Nor was I about to attack this alleged boo and act like some scorned ex. But really! COME ON! How fair is that to me? You can be my friend on Facebook but you can’t be my friend in real life?! And now I can only be your friend online if I stop doing something that we’ve never had a problem with before? PLEASE! I’m not a yo-yo for you to pick and choose when you want to play or string me up and down at your leisure. I said my piece and did what I thought was best and I did it (in my head) as an adult.

The thing that still bothers me, however, is how someone like Coffee can treat a friend like me in such a sordid manner. How Coffee could take this alleged brand new relationship and put it above all else. The reality of the situation is NOTHING I did was ANY different or out of the ordinary than what I’ve done at any other time in our friendship. I didn’t post anything disrespectful, vulgar, or distasteful. I hadn’t done anything to make it look like Coffee and I were dating. And even if tagging Coffee WAS the issue, I wasn’t tagging Coffee on every single post I made. Just the ones I thought Coffee would enjoy; as I have always done and in turn as Coffee has always done with me. All I did was continued to be a friend and do what friends (especially on Facebook) do: I tagged you in a post I thought you’d find interesting! What the hell was the harm in that?!

I guess the root of my entire rant is really all about the disrespect that I felt I didn’t deserve based on an ideal of a friendship that we BOTH contributed to. I was led to believe Coffee thought more of me and our friendship than, in actuality, Coffee really did. I’m not saying that Coffee can’t have a Boo or that Coffee’s boo is secondary. What I am saying is that 2 months shouldn’t trump 2 years. Especially if I’ve done nothing than what I've been doing and Coffee has been fine with it all along.

Was I wrong to unfriend Coffee? What would you have done? Do you think my reaction was “Too Much”? Could there be a reasonable explanation for Coffee’s message and lack of communication? Leave your comments and let me know what you have to say!!

**Photo courtesy of RottenCard.com

#relationships #silence #friendships #dating

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