Researchers Find New Vaccine: You'll Never Guess What The Virus Is!!!
Flags and fireworks are in store for our great American country once again. The Great U.S of A has become the leading pioneer in finding two brand new vaccines for a growing pandemic throughout the 50 states! The pandemic has reportedly been causing much turmoil in people across the country and has taken billions of dollars to resolve as a result. The CDC has yet to officially recognize the pandemic as such, however, government officials say that is soon to come as they tirelessly work to understand and cure the rapid growing organism that, they say, has probably been present in human societies since the beginning of time.
Since it’s inception as a country, America has been plagued with one illness or another; bringing most of them upon ourselves from shipments and trades overseas. Foreign trades have always been quite difficult, as shipments that travel by water, are susceptible to much contamination,
“…not assuming that the goods weren’t already contaminated before making the journey to our pristine borders…”, says Senator F.U. UhnKell Sam.
However, the most recent occurrences that has seemingly been terrorizing our beautiful and wonderful country is an organism known as Border Line Anonymous Candidate Killed Syndrome or, as it is more commonly known, B.L.A.C.K.S. Government officials are blaming the organism on foreign trade but can not pinpoint the exact time at which the organism might have been first introduced to the country.
B.L.A.C.K.S is a conundrum that has sent our government into quite the tizzy trying to understand and deal with. Researchers say there is so much to learn from and about the organism outside of the symptoms that it seems to cause. According to the Melanin Detox and Eradication Medical Research Center, the organism has a tendency to grow very rapidly over a period of time. It’s a very durable organism; able to adapt to most any environment, temperature and/or other weather condition. Border Line Anonymous Candidate Killed Syndrome is a very independent and resourceful organism. Left alone B.L.A.C.K.S often resemble other organisms that have been deemed safe and normal, however, there are moments when the organism is triggered and irritated; causing a rapid acceleration of the organism to multiply and remove the threats that the organism views as a danger unto itself.
Doctors have been truly amazed at how strong the organism continuously proves to be. President and founder of the Melanin Detox and Eradication Medical Research Center, Dr. B.S. Kaups, says that although the organism is seen as a potential danger to the overall body, his team would be interested in studying the organism further to determine whether or not it’s strength, durability, tenacity, and reproduction rate, can be manipulated into a tool that can make the body stronger.
In his research, he found that when the organism is spliced and separated for long periods of time, the organism becomes numb to its fellow cells and begins to functions as many of the other organisms do within the body, but on a much more docile and controllable level. The difficulty, however, is that every so often, the Weaponized Hyper Illiterate Targeting Ego (W.H.I.T.E) organisms that are said to protect the body, find B.L.A.C.K.S a threat and tries to dismantle the singularity. Much like in the case of white blood cells that attack any virus the cells deem to be a danger to the body’s overall health status. In doing so, the other B.L.A.C.K.S organisms begin to attach themselves to one another, causing a war-like battle between the organisms within the body and creating a massive unhealthy state.
The M.D.E Medical Research Center believes that because the organism is deemed too powerful to control and reproduces at such a massive rate, the only logical explanation is to remove the organism from the body permanently. Dr. B.S. Kaups says his facility has, thus far, found two ways to ensure the removal of the organism from the rest of the body, however, is unsure if the organism can be completely removed due to the organism's characteristics of durability and strength. Dr. Kaups says at this time the M.D.E center can only hope to minimize the threat.
He and his team of well-trained professionals have created an extremely effective serum that can immobilize and eventually destroy the organism, one cell at a time, and possibly in a set number of groups. Dr. B.S. Kaups is calling it the Justice Against Irrelevant Life or J.A.I.L serum. He says the serum will trap the organism and overtime break it down to a point that the organism can no longer strengthen the rest of the B.L.A.C.K.S cells. The other method is a pill based method that can be ingested into the body. They’re calling it the medical B.U.L.L.E.T (Blacks Useless Life Laid Eradicated Together). Albeit, the pill is best taken when the B.L.A.C.K.S organism is in its docile and unthreatening state.
Dr. Kaups suggests that people should notify their local MDE (Melanin Detox & Eradication) center if they believe that the B.L.A.C.K.S organism has been introduced to their body. This will ensure that a trained professional can determine whether the J.A.I.L serum or the medical B.U.L.L.E.T is required. Dr. Kaups says that due to the organism's cell strength, it is necessary in some cases to utilize both treatments to completely rid the body of B.L.A.C.K.S. Even though the M.D.E recommends a trained professional be involved in getting rid of B.L.A.C.K.S, Kaups says, his research facility is working to be able to supply civilians with a safe and easy to use medical B.U.L.L.E.T so that they can fight off the organism in the comfort of their own home.
Many facilities are proud of the work the M.D.E Medical Research Center has done, however, they are hoping that they will be able to find a way to control the very special characteristics of the organism to further enhance our country and its citizens. As it stands, there are a few radical researchers that believe that B.L.A.C.K.S is not a virus at all and is simply an evolution of the human experience. These radicals believe that the answer doesn’t lie in killing off the B.L.A.C.K.S organism but understanding, revolutionizing an eradicating the need for the W.H.I.T.E organisms to stand alone.
The Melanin Detox & Eradication Medical Research Center has released a list of symptoms to look for that may help citizens to know if they have a problem with B.L.A.C.K.S:
Sporadic and Irrational Fear of Nothing
Immense and Unprecedented feelings of Anger or Hate
A Severe Sense of Inferiority/Superiority
A Lack of Empathy
A Constant Need To Justify Injustices
In conclusion, the relevance of this article is to articulate to the masses - via satire - a thought process and mental state that when looked at in reality is complete bullshit, however, exemplifies the overall view of many people regarding those of us who are people of color. In other words......
STOP KILLING OUR BLACK ASSES YOU IDIOTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Feature Photo Courtesy of Ted Rheingold's Flickr Page- Creative Commons License